Strangely lovely

You posted an image of a cat in your last entry and, as the subject of cats seems to come up fairly often between us for some reason, I thought I would share this here as well. It is a photo of a 'Sphynx' Cat, which is a new and rare breed of hairless cat. I first saw a photo of it some time ago and I was immediately drawn to it's strangeness. We have had a few discussions about getting a pet that would be 'ours' one day and you always insist that this should be a Golden Retriever, despite the fact that they are big and shed lots of hair, require plenty of attention and well, cost a lot to maintain. As an alternative, I would like to propose this funny creature to be our 'baby' instead. While at first glance you may find him ugly and bizarre, I want to tell you to 'look again' and you will surely see his loveliness as I do. Notice his big sweet eyes and his wrinkly skin that must be nice to touch, not to mention his bony, charismatic tail.  On an aside, I don't think I ever told you that the Platypus is one of my favourite animals and that this is mainly because it is very strange and unlikely mix of mammal, reptile and bird. I find it a wonderful curiosity!

If you think about it, I imagine you will agree with me as neither of us is a lover of the conventional. We find enjoyment in the unexpected and contradictory things life has to offer: in the case of this cat, I love the mix of 'ugly and adorable'. I was thinking that in love it is like this as well, as love is one of the most contradictory, strange and at the same time beautiful things there is. Wouldn't you agree?

Prepositional issues

     Prepositions are really tricky in any language. Yesterday we were talking about a few mistakes I make with these little words when I am absent-minded. We were laughing of at least two of them which happened recently. One took place at a pub in London, when, after drinking a bit of a damned soda - you know I hate to do it -, I started hiccuping. But when you asked me what was the matter, I answered: "I'm hicking up." In other occasion, I was upset with an argument we were having when I said: "You are pissing me up," what is even worse than just "pissing me off."

     Oh my goodness!

Samsara

I thought today of our time in Istanbul and all of those walks we took along the streets on our way to explore mosques, markets and other interesting sites. You may remember that during those days we found ourselves a number of times unexpectedly wandering into cemeteries. I remember you commenting to me on one very cold afternoon how well kept the graves were kept compared to other places you had visited. We studied the names inscribed there and I took some photos of the beautiful script and shapely headstones and even of the cats that seemed at home warming themselves against the tombs, not to mention the colourful flower beds laid out in neat rows throughout the place as well.

Without realizing it, I can see now that this theme followed us back to England where we spent some time looking at the inscriptions and memorials in Bath Abbey and even in the John Sloane Museum on our last days there together, when we stopped to read the memorial poem dedicated by Soane to his wife. We even talked about but missed a chance in Paris to go to the famous cemetery of Pere Lachaise, but we will surely do that one day in the future.

It is strange perhaps to think of this tonight but it came to mind as I remembered a beautiful poem by the Sufi poet Rumi on the subject of the cycle of  life, death and rebirth which I liked very much. I share it with you here:

I died as a mineral and became a plant,

I died as plant and rose to animal,

I died as animal and I was Man.

Why should I fear? When was I less by dying?

Yet once more I shall die as Man, to soar

With angels bless’d; but even from angel hood

I must pass on: all except God doth perish.

When I have sacrificed my angel-soul,

I shall become what no mind e’er conceived.

Oh, let me not exist! for Non-existence

Proclaims in organ tones,

To Him we shall return.

ز جمادی مُردم و نامی شدم — وز نما مُردم بهحیوان سرزدما

مُردم از حیوانی و آدم شدم — پس چه ترسم؟ کی ز مردن کم شدم؟

حمله دیگر بمیرم از بشر — تا برآرم از ملائک بال و پر

وز ملک هم بایدم جستن ز جو — کل شیء هالک الا وجهه

بار دیگر از ملک پران شوم — آنچه اندر وهم ناید آن شوم

پس عدم گردم عدم چو ارغنون — گویدم کانا الیه راجعون

-Rumi

What struck me most about this when I first read it was how many parallels it has to Buddhist thought and philosophy. This is something you have not had much exposure to yet I guess, but you will very soon. It is just two weeks now until you will be here with me in Thailand and I am very much looking forward to sharing many interesting and I think 'new' things with you about the people, culture and beliefs of this place I have come to love and call my home. It will be a very special time for us both for certain.

A bridge and a fall

     Tonight, after coming back home at the end of a busy day, I went to run in Battersea Park. When I passed by the Albert Bridge, I remembered your staying in my house and a few times when we were strolling along the river, admiring the lights and the beauty of this gracious urban structure. I also recalled a comic moment, when we went to play football at the park. At the time of coming back home, you decided to conduct the ball running fast, but after a while you stepped on it and fell down on the ground... It seems that even the brigde started to laugh! Experienced player, I ran up to help you and explained that you should never step on the ball in order to maintain yourself over your feet.

     Now you are in the other side of the world and I have been missing you here. I wish these next two weeks pass quickly in order to meet you again, this time at your place, after a very long but very worthwhile journey to Asia.

Life's greatest adventure

Rodin - The Kiss

We said goodbye earlier today after spending this last month together sharing many wonderful moments, amazing places and experiences. There were some bumps in the road as there always are, but the happiness I have felt knowing and loving you these days far outweighs those difficult moments.

I meant everything I said today about loving you and how glad I am that we are in one another's lives now. You are a great companion for me and there is nothing as nice as walking hand and hand or arm and arm with you wherever we go. I will miss this very much in the weeks ahead. I'll miss your touch and caring ways, the sound of your voice and the look in your eyes when you smile at me: even your drama and ocassionally exasperating impatience (these I start to love now too as they are part of you). It won't be long however before you are on your way to me and to my home in Thailand. I'm already looking forward to sharing this with you and to taking care of you there. It will be a new chapter in our love and a brand new adventure. And what is love after all, if not life's greatest adventure! Je t'aime.

Farewell

     After a few great weeks in Europe, you departed for Thailand today. It was happy and sad to accompany you to the airport, where we said goodbye for a while. It was happy for the confirmation of our love after so many great moments beside you in London, Istanbul, Paris and Bath. But it was sad for leaving you after these same great moments. Of course there were misunderstandings and a few conflicts, too. But it seems the balance is by far positive.

     I am looking forward to seeing you again in Asia in a few weeks. It will be the discovery of a new world for me. I will be in your hands, being guided around Bangkok and other places in the Southeast Asia. And I will rely on your great proficiency in Thai language. You are so clever and I will surely be in good hands. I admire you a lot.

Parisian Promenade

Parisian Boulevard, 1896 - Pierre Bonnard

I walked for miles this afternoon after my last appointment: past the Louvre and along the Seine, past Notre Dame and on and on, all the way to the Bastille before finally arriving at Place des Vosges and my little ‘home away from home’ for the week here in the Marais. It was lovely weather for walking and I enjoyed  window shopping and watching all of the people sitting in the cafes as I went. 

There are many small shops selling flowering bulbs and plants at this time of the year, a sure sign of the spring that has been in the air these past days and which has helped to make this one of my most enjoyable visits to Paris yet. Next to the flower shops, I came across a number of pet stores with puppies, all very cute, active and expressive, perhaps hoping to ‘charm’ some passerby into taking them home  with them and making them part of the family. I saw a Golden Retriever, which you would have liked, and many others and imagined how nice it would be to choose one with you, which would then be ours, keeping us busy with lots of demands for walks and delicious treats and attention. It would be nice, I think,  and it was easy for me to imagine taking a long walk along the river here with you and him or her on this beautiful, fresh spring Paris evening.

Order/disorder

     Strolling around Paris, I think somewhere in Montmartre, I remember capturing this image that was on a wall. If "love belongs to disorder... therefore let's love!", I want to go on loving you, despite of the disorder it really causes. But I accept you and your love and I am not afraid of it.

     Our weekend in Paris will be something to remember for a long time. Nice walks, excellent museums, great food, long conversation. I remember our last morning together, when you decided to open a little champagne bottle to drink before saying goodbye to me. That moment was also charged with eternity.

     Back home in London, I think of you and need your touch, your perfum, your style. No need to say that I am looking forward to the weekend, when I will have you in my arms again. And everything will be in order.

Under your caring wing

Pour Toi, mon Amour

Je suis allé au marché aux oiseaux

Et j’ai acheté des oiseaux

Pour toi

Mon amour

Je suis allé au marché aux fleurs

Et j’ai acheté des fleurs

Pour toi

Mon amour

Je suis allé au marché à la ferraille

Et j’ai acheté des chaînes

De lourdes chaînes

Pour toi

Mon amour

Et je suis allé au marché aux esclaves

Et je t’ai cherchée

Mais je ne t’ai pas trouvée

Mon amour

-Jacques Prevert

I thought of these words of Jacques Prevert this afternoon here in Paris, as I was missing you very much. This was one of the first poems you sent to me and I remember asking you when I got it what you thought it meant. At the time, you answered, “It’s about the need for freedom in love”, which is important of course, especially with us far from each other now.

 

But then to accompany the poem, I found this small water colour of two birds nestled closely together on a flowering branch, warming and protecting one another as they face the world and I felt better. It reminded me of how I feel when I am next to you, wherever we are, and we walk arm in arm together and share our days and nights. We spent a beautiful few days in Paris this weekend and I am looking forward to next week when we will be together in London and I will once again be safely back under your caring ‘wing’.

Alone but not lonely

     After many days by my side, you had to travel for a few days. Since then I have been missing you and feeling as though a part of me had been taken away. In a few days we will be reunited in Paris for a weekend and it will be great to do things together in that city that is so special for lovers.

     I'm looking forward to the next month, when I will be with you at your place, taking avantage of the tropical weather in Asia. It will be a time full of happiness, new discoveries and new adventures. My heart is already there.

Loving you first

     After coming back with you from a great trip to Turkey, I had to re-immerse myself in my work and in the hellacious routine I have to cope with by this time of the year. It has been important to be together and share my days with you in my house, despite of the problems related to our daily needs and compromises. Let's save our love from the obstacles and the vulgarity of the world and keep a spirit like this one in your beloved Christina Rossetti's poem:

I loved you first: but afterwards your love
     Outsoaring mine, sang such a loftier song
As drowned the friendly cooings of my love
     Which owes the other most? my love was long,
     And yours one moment seemed to wax more strong;
I loved and guessed at you, you construed me
And loved me for what might or might not be -
     Nay, weights and measures do us both a wrong.
For verily love knows not 'mine' or 'thine;'
     With separate 'I' and 'thou' free love has done,
          For one is both and both are one in love:
Rich love knows nought of 'thine that is not mine;'
          Both have the strenght and both the length thereof,
Both of us, of the love which makes us one.

On the Subject of 'Butts'

 

As our holiday in Turkey draws to a close, I thought it a good time to touch on a subject which is particularly near and dear to your heart and which has become a recurring theme of our holiday: that is to say 'Butts,' (as you like to call them), or 'Bums' as they are commonly called in the UK. We both know you are EXTREMELY fond of them and that while you find mine 'pleasant' and to your taste in general, it cannot compare to some of those more massive, mountainous and monumental examples we have seen in passing on our walks around Istanbul which are no doubt the result of years of overindulgence in Turkish Delight and the other irresistible sweet things one comes across in shop windows everywhere here in this country.

Thinking of this now I am reminded of a very early conversation between us whereby your interest in the subject became clear to me for the first time. I repeat it for you here now and hope it will make you smile to recall it...

 

AR: Do you have butts?

CT: Butts? I have only one butt.                                        

AR: Americans normally don't have them.  But you are not typically American.

CT: Are you crazy? Butt, as in 'bum'?

AR: Yes. In Wisconsin, nobody have it.

 

CT: Americans don’t have a bum?

AR: Square bum. Flat.

CT: They have square bums?

AR: Yes.

CT: hmmm. That sounds weird.  I confirm. I have a bum. One bum.

 

AR: Thank God!!!

CT: it is a bit bigger than I would like, but my body is like that.

 

AR: Oh, please. This is lovely.

CT: Actually it just looks a bit bigger because my waist is so small.

AR: Perfect. In Brazil all women are like you.

Cats, colors, care

     Lovely to roam the streets of Istanbul hand in hand with you, kissing you here and there. One of the things that have called our attention are the omnipresent cats. It seems everybody takes care of them. They are everywhere and it seems they are much more appreciated them their rivals, the dogs.

     This has been a special time, full of discoveries, different tastes, many colors and great talks. We will remember this for long and I hope we can soon come back to Turkey. I will surely wish to enjoy my cat woman's kisses and the scratches... Timeless moments in love in this timeless town.

Wandering between two continents

My dear, the last few days have been wonderful, wandering the streets of Istanbul and enjoying  being here together as we explore this city, full of history, sites and  beauty. It is nice to imagine its great past as we walk along together - the sultans in their palaces, the adventurers and explorer's crossing the Bosphorus in their wooden skiffs, the mixing and mingling of world religions and cultures that took place here at this crossroads of east and west over many centuries.

There is also happiness in the small pleasures  which have become our everyday rituals: in the bags of hot chestnuts eaten while walking down İstiklal Street, in passing the fishermen on Galata Bridge and climbing up  Begoylu's hills past the tower on our way home after a day of taking in the sights and laughing together over silly things along the way.  I will remember for some time our long stroll along the Bosphorus one misty, cold afternoon, and an evening spent eating stuffed mussels with glasses of Turkish wine at a cozy Lokatansi restaurant in Karakoy, not to mention the happy hours spent snapping photos of the elegant domes and arches of Aya Sofia.

I like the unhurried pace of our days and our conversations which are always interesting for me, no matter what the subject.  What a nice beginning darling, this shared time in this special place. You are becoming mine and I am becoming yours as we grow closer day by day. I love you.

A room with a view

This is the view from our room this morning as day breaks over London.  It will be our first full day together so I thought it worth capturing. And besides, it is beautiful and I wanted to share it with you as you are sleeping away and won’t have seen it. Last night was memorable and special in many ways, so this can be a sort of memento of that too: of our first meeting, our first conversation in person and our first kiss…

It is good to recall these things here so one day in the future we can think back and remember: a very cold, rainy and windy night, an appointment at Temple tube station, walking hand and hand along the Strand past The Courtauld, a lovely Thai dinner with some wine and nice conversation and a stop at your office before returning to this, our room for the night.  It seems a very nice start to what will surely be an even nicer holiday. We leave for Istanbul today. How lucky we are to share this together… Happy Valentine’s Day my darling.

Our time

     This is our time. I woke up with this idea on my mind this morning. You crossed the world to see me and I have been waiting for you for a long time already. I can't wait to kiss you, to walk hand in hand with you, to feel your skin, your smell, your femininity. Tonight we will have a long conversation over a glass of wine and we will be together along the next few weeks.

     Definitely it's not easy to live so far away from each other. But that's life and we have to manage this. Anyway, what matters now is this happy moment that is about to begin. It will be short, I know, but it will last for long. 

Already here

     It is great to be here counting the minutes and looking forward to the time when we will be together and even travel together to a different part of the world. These next 15 to 20 days are going to be very special and I'm sure we will recall them for a long time in the future.

     Let's just forget the pressures and the prosaism of the world and enjoy life. You are a great conversationist and we have a lot to talk about this Friday evening of a cold winter's day in Europe. I feel as though you are already with me. And this gets me warm and comfortable.

Counting the minutes

The Lovers - Picasso, 1923

My love, it seems we are both struggling these days. There is a lot of pressure bearing down on us at the moment: different types of pressure but we are feeling them in equal measure. Life is not easy sometimes. That is certain. Despite this and all the bad moods these external forces bring, we can finally look forward to being together in just a few days from now. It will be so nice to be able to see you, to laugh with you and to take care of you there after these months of anticipation. The distance has not been easy but we have managed well enough and even found some ways to be happy together in it I think. But real happiness is what we will be sharing very soon my dear.

I am counting the minutes….

A language all our own

During our very first conversation we discovered we had many things in common, including a passion for poetry. Since then, sharing poems with one another has become a very loving way for us to express many of our deepest thoughts and feelings.  I heard poetry once described as ‘a mirror held up to truth and written down.’ If this is so, then we can find in the touching words of the great writers and poets the depth of emotion of our own true hearts.  This exchange of beautiful words between us has become a language all our own dear. I hope we will always use it to speak to one another with care and tenderness. The first poem you sent me was a wonderful gift. I share it here with you again.


The Wedding of Prince George & Princess Sabra
- D.G. Rossetti, 1857

When You Are Old

When you are old and gray and full of sleep,
And nodding by the fire, take down this book,
And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;

How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved your beauty with love false or true,
But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face;

And bending down beside the glowing bars,
Murmur, a little sadly, how Love fled
And paced upon the mountains overhead
And hid his face among a crowd of stars.

-William Butler Yeats

 

A love letter

My darling,

    This morning, a bit by chance, I had in hands a letter written by the American physicist Richard Feynman to his wife Arline. He was 27 years old and she was 25 when she died of tuberculosis in 1945. This is a picture of them a few years before he loses her.    

     The Nobel Prize in Physics in 1965 wrote this touching letter six months after his sweetheart's death. Then he sealed and never opened it until he himself died in 1988. Showing how life can be cruel, his letter reads as follows:

October 17, 1946

D’Arline,

     I adore you, sweetheart.

     I know how much you like to hear that — but I don’t only write it because you like it — I write it because it makes me warm all over inside to write it to you.

     It is such a terribly long time since I last wrote to you — almost two years but I know you’ll excuse me because you understand how I am, stubborn and realistic; and I thought there was no sense to writing.

     But now I know my darling wife that it is right to do what I have delayed in doing, and that I have done so much in the past. I want to tell you I love you. I want to love you. I always will love you.

     I find it hard to understand in my mind what it means to love you after you are dead — but I still want to comfort and take care of you — and I want you to love me and care for me. I want to have problems to discuss with you — I want to do little projects with you. I never thought until just now that we can do that. What should we do. We started to learn to make clothes together — or learn Chinese — or getting a movie projector. Can’t I do something now? No. I am alone without you and you were the “idea-woman” and general instigator of all our wild adventures.

     When you were sick you worried because you could not give me something that you wanted to and thought I needed. You needn’t have worried. Just as I told you then there was no real need because I loved you in so many ways so much. And now it is clearly even more true — you can give me nothing now yet I love you so that you stand in my way of loving anyone else — but I want you to stand there. You, dead, are so much better than anyone else alive.

     I know you will assure me that I am foolish and that you want me to have full happiness and don’t want to be in my way. I’ll bet you are surprised that I don’t even have a girlfriend (except you, sweetheart) after two years. But you can’t help it, darling, nor can I — I don’t understand it, for I have met many girls and very nice ones and I don’t want to remain alone — but in two or three meetings they all seem ashes. You only are left to me. You are real.

     My darling wife, I do adore you.

     I love my wife. My wife is dead.

                                             Rich

PS: Please excuse my not mailing this — but I don’t know your new address.

Across a distance

The Birthday - Marc Chagall, 1915

Love comes in unexpected ways. Sometimes suddenly, out of the blue, when one is looking in a different direction entirely. And when it comes, there is no denying it: even when one’s heart has had its fill of disappointments and pain and sadness and would rather not open itself again to risk and hurts.

You arrived into my life like this, with a few words sent from half a world away one uneventful evening and changed everything. From that first moment some two months back, you have been with me every day: in my thoughts and plans, at night when I sleep and in the morning when I wake. Our love has grown across a distance, across countries and languages and time zones.  It has grown in our minds and in our hearts outside of physical space but it is no less real for this. It is just the beginning for us, but a beautiful one and I am thankful for it. And now we have this, our ‘diary of us’, to share our thoughts and ideas and which we can look back on years from now when we would like to recollect how it all started. I love you too.

No distance at all

     A man and a woman born in different countries. Two people living out of their countries and even their continent. Two other distant countries, distant continents. Oceans, lands, cultures, hours, bureaucracy in between. But love is there. So, there is no distance, no frontier, no time.

     Here we are, at our beggining, writing about this improbable love made possible by the modern means of communication. Where are we going to? We don't know yet, but we are moving forward in the same direction and we are happy. That's what matters. I love you.